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#1 Nov 16, 2021 8:17:PM

Mat27
Member

Confused as hell

Hi, I guess. Name's Matthew. I'm 19. Since I was about 12, I fantasized about being a girl. I've never told anyone about this until very recently. I had treated it as a phase, something that would eventually pass. Well, I confessed my problems to a friend, and his response shook me to my core. "A phase doesn't last seven years, Matthew".  Funny how we often fail to notice the most obvious things in our lives. So, thanks to my friend, I began to seriously consider my issues. But I still have no idea if they are, what's the word, legitimate?  Since I'm too much of a coward to discuss this with my family, I figured a forum full of strangers might be a good start. Read it or not, I just need to post it somewhere. That said, if you could endure this rant and actually give me some advice, I would be incredibly grateful.

As I said, I didn't question my gender before turning 12. I do recall 2 peculiar situations that happened in my early childhood, though.

The first one:

It was primary school, and I think my class took some kind of personality test.  We were assigned personality traits (which were divided into feminine and masculine) based on the results. I remember feeling satisfaction about the fact that my feminine traits outweighed the masculine ones.

The second one:

Primary school again. Our class was staging some kind of performance. As part of the show, boys would dress up as girls and dance in front of the audience. I remember enjoying it very much.

So nothing really alarming happened during my early childhood. What I'm actually concerned with is stuff that I've been experiencing since I was 12. I will break it down into periods.

12-14
-I would sometimes be female in my dreams
-I would watch a lot of male to female transformation videos and transition timelines
-I started desiring to be feminine
15-17
-I realized that imagining myself as a girl is the only way to orgasm during masturbation
-Confusion: When I thought about a beautiful girl, I wasn't sure whether I wanted to be with her or be her.
-I occasionally fantasized about being my male friends' girlfriend
-Suppression: I tried desperately to appear normal. I acted as masculine as I could, afraid that any feminine behavior would expose me. It escalated to the point when I forced myself not to sleep in positions that seemed feminine to me.
-I wanted to crossdress but didn't because of the above
-I listened to countless hypnosis files to satisfy my fantasies in private
18-today
-Desire to be a woman only intensified
-I chose a feminine name for myself
-I started to allow myself to be feminine when alone, even cross-dressing at times( it felt so great).
-I bought my first panties
-I started to hate my body hair and genitals
-I actually started wondering what's going on
-I considered talking to my parents, chickened out.
-I confided in my friend, first time I've ever spoken about these problems with anyone.
-I googled "trans forum"

Well, that's it. What do you think? Am I a guy with weird sexual fantasies, or actually trans? I come from an upper-middle-class family, so my life's pretty good. In fact, it's amazing. I feel like a spoiled, attention-seeking fraud. I fear I'm just looking for, as we say in Poland, a hole in something whole.

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#2 Nov 23, 2021 12:42:PM

CharlotteTG
Member

Re: Confused as hell

Matthew, you're definitely not 'going through a phase'. I think you are very brave and have a very good friend to feel comfortable enough to ask this of him and for him to answer you in such an intelligent, honest and non-judgmental way.

I think that you may very well be transgender. I started dressing as a girl when I was 5 because I identified with being a girl back then and always enjoyed being with girls not because I found them attractive in a sexual way but because I belonged with them. Even the games I played at school and with other kids like playing house I'd take a feminine role, often being the wife to one of the boys when the boys did play. I also used any excuse such as Halloween or parties to dress up as a girl and later as a woman. Often times I would stretch this for days, dressing before and after the event.

When I was 11 I read an article in Sports Illustrated magazine about Renee Richards and knew I was transsexual. I always had felt I was really a girl but here it was right in front of me, there was a solution. Of course, there were many who looked at this and didn't understand, thinking only that she was a castrated man in a dress but I knew. I knew because I was like her, she was a hero to me! I also saw an article in Life magazine about Lily Elbe a year later and this simply reinforced my understanding about my gender situation.

In my later teens I would get sexually aroused and even in my early twenties I would too but that passed in time. I tried to ignore my femininity, even getting married, suppressing it and thinking that even though I knew this that I could just ignore it but I couldn't.

In the end I had to come out, it's the best thing I could have done for myself. I will tell you this, only you know how handle this with your parents. But you should seek therapy, it will help immensely. You will learn a lot about yourself and you will find out for sure more about who you are.

Good luck, you can get through this.

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#3 Dec 01, 2021 5:29:PM

Deepins
Member

Re: Confused as hell

You are not alone any more.
Thank you for sharing and showning your strength.
Hugs

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#4 Dec 03, 2021 11:53:PM

Leito
Member

Re: Confused as hell

Hi

Obviously, you are drawn to being female your story is very clear in that regard as are your experiences and feelings over the years.

I would say that it can be common to focus on your genitals as the most prevalent source of problems.  There it is saying you are male, however I have little doubt you would accept a trans girl pre op as a girl.

My point is this, it is very easy to get fixated on certain things as the source of our real problems.  Primarily the issue is mental first, then physical, if in the future you feel you need change physically that is always an option.

Primarily you need to understand, your self and your feelings unserstand why you feel what you feel, try new things to see if they are you. Defining oneself is the hardest  thing we do in life regardless to gender or sexuality,  it is not easy of course but take time to understand yourself, your needs your wants those deep motivations that have shaped us.

If you ever need a non judgemental friend to talk to feel free x

Last edited by Leito (Dec 03, 2021 11:54:PM)

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#5 Dec 07, 2021 9:04:PM

Mat27
Member

Re: Confused as hell

Thanks for the replies. I must say this feels quite surreal. I had come to terms with the fact that I was never going to talk about these issues with anyone. And here I am, sharing this stuff with total strangers.

Anyway, I think you deserve an update. I've finally managed to bring this up with my parents. It went surprisingly well. My parents are very liberal in contrast to my generally very conservative family. We instantly agreed not to tell anyone else.

I think one example will suffice to demonstrate the problem. During a family reunion a few months ago, my uncle jokingly ( I hope) said something like: "Since gay men don't know how to use their penises properly anyway, I'd rather amputate them with a cleaver". I also recently found out that another uncle of mine is homosexual. He never dared to come out to his parents. Don't get me wrong, most of my relatives are great people,  just not very open-minded. They are caring and supportive, but at the same time, they've got a very defined, narrow worldview. They are also highly religious.

So, the plan is, I'm going to see a professional and seek an official diagnosis. Then, I will decide what to do next. Whatever happens, most of my family will likely never find out. Some of them I simply don't want to confront, others would be deeply hurt by the truth.

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#6 Dec 08, 2021 2:33:AM

Hawke
Member

Re: Confused as hell

I have seen this a lot over the years , " I think I wanna be...." I would say 1 out of a hundred are dead serious about it , Changing and being a new person is going to be the HARDEST thing any one can go through , male or female . I even knew a few that said after being on HRT and seeing a therapist. One day said " What the fuck am I doing " and ran like hell from going any farther...this happens a lot ..
      I have known some that went through it and are happy as a clam at high tide , and they let their transmission halt when they wanted it to stop.
Then after a while , saving money , seeing a therapist for a few years ,,,,, go all the way , It going to be the most single important thing you will
Ever go through . Far harder that you can imagine , for a lot it's a joyful venture into changing . I wouldn't do it , not for a billion $$$
NFW.... Do every thing right , and it just might work ,, BUT ... If your not 1000%ready to fully walk down that road , it can be disasterus .
   I know from experience , a very dear friend , went through what you say you want to become . She did every thing right took 3 years of deep soul searching , going to a therapist ,then with my help , she went for her SRS  gave her about. 1/3 of the money , she saved the rest , So...
Of to Colorado she goes , has her surgery , comes home and a few months later goes into deep depression , I never seen any so depressed .
This went on for a few months , then she bought a gun on the streets , and killed self ,, she left a note , very short .. " the biggest mistake I ever made ". That was all . My friend killed her self , because In Reality ,, she wasn't ready , not 10,000% ready ,, I still miss her , such a waste

Last edited by Hawke (Dec 08, 2021 2:36:AM)

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#7 Dec 08, 2021 4:51:PM

Mat27
Member

Re: Confused as hell

Hawke, I don't think anything yet. That's the reason I'm here. The thoughts and fantasies I've mentioned, I dismissed them for the past seven years. Now I just want to figure out what's happening to me.

I'm aware of most of the things you mentioned. I know the transition is risky, and I might regret it, not to mention the SRS. I used these as an excuse for not addressing my issues. I've been terrified (and still am) that it might turn out to be what I need after all.

At this point, I  want nothing more than a diagnosis. I want someone qualified to tell I'm not crazy (or if I am, all the more reason to seek help) and that I didn't just, I don't know, imagine it? That's what I'm afraid of the most. Finding out I'm a fraud that had my close ones worried for nothing.  I guess that's also why it took me so many years to take this seriously.

Last edited by Mat27 (Dec 08, 2021 4:53:PM)

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#8 Dec 08, 2021 10:11:PM

Hawke
Member

Re: Confused as hell

Here's how I see it ,, If you think your crazy , you probly are , If you think you need professional help. You probly do , only YOU can make this dissision . People can say ,, do this ,,, no , don't do that , do this ,  I think a !of of people have had these thoughts , some slight , some heavy
I never did ,  I'm just giving you my male point , there are a !of of people here that can help , the girls here are real , I would be proud to date any of them ,, Ask a professional , get real 75$ an hour advice , or just ask questions here, we don't bite ,, well maybe only 3 of them do

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#9 Dec 13, 2021 2:28:PM

DianneGA
Member

Re: Confused as hell

Mat27 wrote:

Hawke, I don't think anything yet. That's the reason I'm here. The thoughts and fantasies I've mentioned, I dismissed them for the past seven years. Now I just want to figure out what's happening to me.

I'm aware of most of the things you mentioned. I know the transition is risky, and I might regret it, not to mention the SRS. I used these as an excuse for not addressing my issues. I've been terrified (and still am) that it might turn out to be what I need after all.

At this point, I  want nothing more than a diagnosis. I want someone qualified to tell I'm not crazy (or if I am, all the more reason to seek help) and that I didn't just, I don't know, imagine it? That's what I'm afraid of the most. Finding out I'm a fraud that had my close ones worried for nothing.  I guess that's also why it took me so many years to take this seriously.




Hey Matt, getting a Diagnosis is definitely not going to hurt and although there are individuals that make a big thing about being TG etc. its actually not, and there are way more people who do not care, it's your life and business and you should just figure out where you are on the spectrum, then decide if it works better for you to just do crossdressing or if you have a need to do more.  For many years, I also did not want to admit, I was different, knew i was not gay though, but grew up in a very conservative place, time and country, so TG was not even mentioned.

Told myself im a CD for many years and remained in the closet for a long time also. Later in life I had a job that required more travel and that gave me the opportunity to dress as a women and have more freedom going out. Gradually over time it developed into a need more than the hobby it used to be and I had more confidence to explore further. Going to some TG conferences like Keystone was a good thing also and the exposure and making friends can be very valuable.

I got more and more comfortable going out and going places as Dianne and just one day it dawned on me that I no longer felt guilty and accepted who I am. From there I just embraced the women in me and started living as Dianne for a week or 3 going on vacation etc. The more I was enfem, the stronger the need became and it basically just developed to where I was no longer shy or worried and were able to go anywhere comfortably as a women....

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#10 Nov 01, 2022 2:10:AM

MJCandycane
Member

Re: Confused as hell

Hello,
I can identify with you.
From grade school I wanted to wear the uniforms the girls wore and wished I could get one.
I spent a lot of time reading catalogs from JC Penny and even had them send me tapes of bridal models which I masturbated to many, many times as well as the catalogs.
When I moved out I spent a lot of time in thrift stores before I went into department stores wearing the underwear and boots with slacks trying on blouses, I loved the satin ones, and also in Midtown bought leather hot pants and skirts as well as jump suits.
I wish you much success in your future and hope for your sake you meet someone who will show you how to dress and behave as a woman.

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